I find myself here, in this moment of scared sharing, because I made a promise to myself in the beginning of my healing process that if I had heard the same thing in my life many times over that I would consider it very important. I do believe that God, The Divine, & The Source sends us messages through people in our lives, earth bond angels found in friends, family, & even strangers. Many times I have been told to write about my life, my journey, and my awakenings.
Today I am making a promise to myself to explore this suggestion in numerous dimensions. I can not begin to know where to start or what details to share, but I do know I will not begin at the first horrible thought of my childhood, creating a time line of endured torture that will rock you to the core or reflect on every small, silly detail to prove to the world I was a victim of pain. Everyone has a right to acknowledge their pains, and own their wounds. Pain is not measured in the dynamics of evidence that makes it real to the rest of the world, if you feel pain than it is your reality. Living this pain, harvesting the cause, and cultivating the healing process is an individual journey. One path will not work for everyone. What may come easily to one person, may be a struggle for another.
The truth is, my childhood was not a picture of utter horror. I do not believe that we have to bring a reader into those moments where the pain is raw and seeping to prove that some how a story is worth telling. I realize now that memories can be misleading, almost completely distorted by the emotion tied into them. There are factors that change the perception of these moments stored deeply in the ego mind. I find it very fascinating the way a memory can change from one day to the next depending on what side of yourself relives it. The child within me tends to remember details and emotion that my wiser adult side can no longer feel or relate to.
One of my greatest discoveries through this ongoing journey of healing has been that my ego mind was & still can be tied to the child of my youth, and my spirit speaks only from a position of understanding, wisdom, acceptance, & love. I still struggle with muting my abusive ego and only tapping into the infinite well of positivity & love that lies within my spirit. My story can no longer be told through the eyes of the child in me because the pain is not as raw as it once was. The emotions tied to the memories have changed as my age brings me closer to wisdom and understanding.
I will begin my story from 19 years of age, and I will share details of my years prior as I see it necessary to the overall adventure of my healing process. I want to make it clear that I have not arrived, and have found that healing is an ongoing process. Like a garden the journey needs to be harvested, cultivated, and nurtured. Like any garden some flowers will blossom and others will die, some will re-bloom next year and others will never return. It is a deep understanding of the life cycle; birth, death, and rebirth that brings true freedom. We must learn when to hold on and when to let go. Life is always changing, learning to be flexible takes practice & mastering this process takes courage.
I can only have faith that some how my gift of sacred sharing will touch some one's life. Deliver a little hope & inspiration to those who have some how become hopeless. The truth is life will always bring a little darkness, we have to create the light from within ourselves. There is a wonderful saying that you can bring light into the darkness, but you can not bring darkness into the light. A personal journey is so much like this, it is finding a light that sustains you even through the darkness. But it must come from within you, the place where God has given you his greatest gift. It is that piece of himself that he has shared within you offering you the opportunity to tap into that source anytime & anywhere.
My story is about tapping into that source & just how it saved my life. I will be frank at times, & I ask that no one take offense to anything I choose to share. Some times what has worked for some readers will be exactly what did not work for me & the other way around. There are times I will speak through the eyes of my youth, before wisdom and understanding. To share my story in truth, sometimes I will have to take a risk in sharing thoughts some may find revolting & offensive. I have always felt I can not share my story if I can not get real! I can be random, so I am hoping that I can stay on track & not lead the readers of this blog all over the map. Maybe somehow that is the truest reflection of my journey, random and all over the map. I hope I can express into words the adventure of self discovery & my journey into freedom. Enjoy!